God already knows the end of the story. He knows all the mistakes you and your children will make, He knows every step of the journey, and He knows exactly how to fix things. If He is the only one who knows all of these things, shouldn’t you ask Him what your next steps should be? But we’re human, and often our emotions, fears, and worries cloud our ability to think rationally.

For most parents, this announcement by their child comes as a shock and is accompanied by fear and a deep sense of grief. Some even feel as though their child has died, especially when they are taking on an entirely new identity. What you do with your emotions may determine your course over the next few months or even years.

Job in the Bible is an example of a man who suffered great loss. Initially, his response was a perfect, righteous attitude, and he did not sin in his response to his sufferings. “20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said: ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.’ 22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” (Job 1:20-22).

Notice these points:

1. Job’s first response was to worship God, even in the midst of his suffering
2. He prostrated himself before God, a sign of surrender to God’s lordship over his life
3. He acknowledged that everything he had came from God, and that God had a right to take any of it away. He knew that nothing he had in this life belonged to him, but that all of belonged to God.
4. He praised God in the midst of his loss and suffering
5. He did not charge God with any wrong-doing

How did your response compare? If we stop the study of Job there, we will all feel like miserable failures. I am quite certain most of us don’t initially respond to our griefs, trials, and losses with this attitude. But this is not the end of the story, and we can learn a lot by continuing to read.

First of all, his friends, though they were filled with compassion and wanted to bear his burden, made a huge mistake. Initially, they sat with him in silence for seven days and nights. This seems like a gracious and loving response from his friends but notice the drastic shift in Job’s attitude. Although he does not curse God, he certainly begins to curse himself, the day of his birth, and bitterness and self-pity begin to take deep root in his heart. The time that Job had to sit in silence gave the enemy ample time to assault Job’s mind with accusations, negative emotions, and the temptation to despair.

His attitude led to his friend’s further accusations and unhelpful advice. He continues to spiral down, caught in a death swirl of grief and despair. We can’t help our emotions, but we can help our response to them. Sometimes it seems impossible to keep a righteous attitude in the midst of such suffering. So, what would have been a better response?

1. Thank the Person for Telling You

Thank the person for telling you how they’re feeling. If you know the person well, ask for their forgiveness for not knowing how they were struggling. Often you could not have known, and sometimes the person’s perception of past events is not accurate. Feelings can be deceptive and lead us to wrong conclusions. The Bible says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). What they feel may not be true, but to them it is true because they believe their feelings. Don’t immediately discount their feelings.

2. Grieve With Them and Bear their Burdens

3. Invite them into Deeper Conversation with Questions:

Ask them questions like: “What does it mean to be a man?” (or whatever, they are identifying as). “How will that identity help you?” “Why don’t you like Johnny? (or whatever their name is)”. If they are a girl, for example, “Why don’t you like being a girl?” “How do you feel when people call you a girl?” These are just some examples. Listen well and ask the Holy Spirit to guide the conversation. Ask follow-up questions. Whatever they have labeled themselves, the whole point is that they are crying out to be seen and understood. They are trying to make sense of their feelings.

Remember, these questions are going to force them to face the roots underneath this desired identity. Above all, they are desperately trying to suppress and forget that pain, but it is the only way to resolve these feelings. The thing they are trying to avoid most is the very thing they need. Also, remember that when people are deceived, they don’t know they’re deceived. We must wait on the Holy Spirit to open their eyes.

4. Try to Uncover the Real Roots:

5. Be Patient and Wade Through their Emotion:

Remember, you’re probably not going to solve this overnight. It’s unlikely that you will have this conversation and immediately change their mind, especially if they have been thinking about this for a long time. Be patient and wait on the Holy Spirit’s timing.

• “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11)
  • “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.” (Proverbs 25:15)
  • “The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.” (Ecclesiastes 7:8).

6. Humble Your Heart in Prayer First:

Pray for your own heart first. Ask God to reveal your heart to you. Ask Him to use this situation with your prodigal to root out the same things in your heart. Ask Him to humble you and to help you relate to how they feel. “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2).

• “Lord, where is there pride in my heart?”
• “Lord, where am I not obeying You?”
• “Lord, why am I so angry at my child’s decision?”
• “Lord, where am I struggling to trust You?”

As you turn your prayer towards interceding for your prodigal, make sure that you pray with thanksgiving, not bitterness or impatience. I think we often try to twist God’s arm into doing our will. Thank Him for how He’s using this situation to draw you closer to Him, thank Him for bringing that child into your life, thank Him for His Word and His promises, thank Him for His faithfulness, His comfort, and His restoration. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippians 4:6).

7. Mourn the Grief:

Get the grief out! Use the Psalms or your own thoughts to express your grief over what has happened. Confess to God where you may have had expectations that God had not promised. God did not promise your child would never make bad decisions or suffer brokenness in their lives. He did not promise you would have an easy, perfect relationship. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4).

8. Redirect Your Heart:

The Psalms are filled with expressions of Davids’s emotions. He often cried out to God about his suffering and persecution. Yet, he never left it there. He directed his heart back towards the truth about God and His Word. He proclaimed God’s salvation and faithfulness even before he saw the results. His hope was in God, not in a particular outcome he desired.

Direct your heart towards God. Proclaim His promises over you. Proclaim His goodness and faithfulness. Make a list of promises in the Psalms you can cling to. Memorize some of them. Remind yourself of what He has done for you in the past and how He has not failed you. Tell others of His goodness and what He’s doing for you and how He’s teaching you and changing you in the process. Let your trial be a testimony to others. “Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the one Israel praises. 4 In you our ancestors put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. 5 To you they cried out and were saved; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.” (Psalm 22:3-5).

9. Do Not Lean On Your Understanding:

Do not lean on your own understanding of the situation. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6). God is still writing your story and theirs. Often a person will react emotionally in the moment, but God can water the seeds later. He may need to bring things into their life to till up the soil of their heart. Remember, this is not your burden to fix the situation or their heart. Only God is the healer of the brokenhearted. “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me (the Messiah), because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…” (Isaiah 61:1).

Stand firm on the Word without compromise. This relationship is like a door that can be locked from either side. Keep the door open if they leave it open, but you cannot force their side of the door to be open. Having a relationship with them is good, and God can use that to reach them. But God does not need you in order to reach them. God wants you to be a witness of your faith and that His commandments are good and trustworthy. Compromise tells your child that God is not good, that He is holding out on you, and it’s better to determine your own morality. “For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.” (Psalm 33:4).

10. Examine Your Heart: Have You Made This Relationship an Idol:

Don’t allow this or any trial in your life to rule your mind. We must not make our relationship with God revolve around another person. That is idolatry. What is your hope based on? Is your hope in a particular outcome, or is your hope set on eternal things, of the coming kingdom of Christ? “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” (Matthew 10:37).

Ask God what He wants you to be doing. Perhaps He is using this situation to refocus your spiritual life. Maybe He wants to use you to reach other hurting, broken people. Don’t sit on the sidelines, ask God to use your pain to reach others. “We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 1:3).

Here are some additional recommended resources:

• Watch testimonies of what God has done in the lives of others – there are many stories of transgender and other LGBTQ who have come to Christ
• Get a copy of The Prodigal Prayer Guide from firststone.org (is the online store working? If not, point them to our website)Form or join a prayer group to encourage you. I highly recommend a group where others have prodigals in their lives so that you can battle together in prayer.Contact us if you would like to connect with an exisiting support group.
• Read books for Parents of Prodigals:
  • Parenting Prodigals by Phil Walderp
  • Until Your Prodigal Comes Home: Encouragement Along the Way by Irene Bennett
  • When I Lay My Isaac Down by Carol Kent (not LGBTQ related, but a good book for parents)
• Pray, Pray, Pray!